StevenLaura

This may not be an appropriate rant, and so likely I'll delete it before it's been here too long. This is me using this blog as a journal entry. Don't read any further if you don't think blogs should be used for this sort of thing. After all, this blog is said to be just a way to keep in touch, not a way for yours truly to unbury her past.

Fall is a BEAUTIFUL time of year. I LOVE the 70 degree weather and sun of the south combined with the colors of the north that hits us this time each year. (Yes, I AM, indeed, saying something positive about NC weather here... I'm not a TOTAL MN die-hard).

As I reflect on the general state of my life, only three things cause a shadow to fall on my face.

1. Family is far away – I miss you all!
2a.I now weigh more than I ever, ever, ever in my life have even been CLOSE to weighing. (A couple "hippy commune" friends suggested a "200 pound party" as a bench mark of my "success." I politely decline, thank you very much!) -- This, honestly, though, is only half a shadow on my face, as it's not really that BAD of a thing, just an unfortunate side-effect of a very good thing. I’m just worried it’ll never come off.
2b. Steve has not got a dissertation topic yet, this (also) is only half a shadow, as he's working hard, and I'm sure he'll find one soon. It's a shadow only insomuch as it's bothering him, so therefore it's bothering me too.
3. I have been betrayed by a former best friend. (This will be the longer rant, read on only if you dare.) I do not know how to approach this brand of betrayal or this person. I don't know if I should let this one sit in hopes that Friend will approach me, or shake my friend so hard that Friend must give me some reason for this wrong done. Our friendship at the point of betrayal was not as close as it had been previously. As such, this did not hit as hard as it would have in years past. Indeed, I would have the ability to accept this blow, if but friend would acknowledge (a) that it was a purposeful blow and (b) that it was not (or that it was, whatever the case may be) retaliation for something I did or said. If it is retaliation, I'd like to have the opportunity to know how I have wronged Friend, and have at least the opportunity to feel Friend's pain and say that I am sorry.

To have someone formerly so close seemingly suddenly turn, without any reason that I can guess, is causing quite the cognitive dissonance. It's also casting a shadow that I don't like on the memories of the last decade of my life. I no longer take happy memories at face value; I try to see the betrayal lying in the shadows, try to find something that would foreshadow this blow, thus making it less severe.

In case said friend happens upon this post, I am not asking for the friendship renewed, I think it's clear that's not what you'd like. I'd just like a bit of closure, I'd like the smallest amount of respect and Christian affection that says, "Hey, I know we were once close, we're not anymore and I don't want to invest time in this friendship. We're both at a new point in life, so I'm going to draw some distance between us now." I'm ready to draw that distance, too.

As it is a song on the radio or a picture in my album will remind me of Friend, and make me smile, then make me sad, as the mystery of why this friendship went sour returns, and again my brain tries to work out the math, replay all of our last interactions. I understand Friend moving on, being less close, but I don't understand Friend's betrayal. Friend, I miss you. I have a band you introduced me to, a band you love, that I have come to love. Nearly every time that band finds its way to my radio, a smile and sorrow hit my heart and a prayer is said for you.

Want to help?

Friends who are not Friend, if you have had a friendship built on solid years suddenly turn, and have either advice or consolation, feel free to offer it.

If you have a dissertation topic for Steve, feel free to give it.

If you have a way to not gain 25-40 lbs during pregnancy, feel free to share the knowledge.

If you have a way to make Thanksgiving (and thus family) come faster, do share!

And finally, if you find you can experience peace, joy, and love for your fellow man – no matter the circumstance – rejoice because you are blessed. Shalom to you all.

Oh, and remember Autumn ROCKS! [If I was really cool, I’d put a picture of autumn rocks here. Maybe I’ll edit this post and add a pic later.]