Monday, September 29, 2008
Dark
I'm not doing too hot. Moment to moment I'm usually okay, but then I get bouts of sadness.
The delivery didn't go like I'd expected, and every day I'm reminded of what I COULD be doing if it had been natural, but can't do because of the surgery. What kills most is not being able to pick up my toddler when she falls down.
Not many people know me here, most that do didn't know me before, so there's very little celebration or "OOOH, can I see?!?" This may seem like a small thing, but for some reason at 4 am when I'm trying to fall asleep, it draws tears.
My devos yesterday helped me to see some good in the alone-ness, the helplessness. I was reminded that these times can cause me to cling to God, as there's little other support for me. So I did that, for the first time in a long time, and it was SOOOO good. Being spiritually fed for me usually resembles my infant when she tries to nurse. I root around frantically, and then after 10 seconds of frantic searching, give up as "I've done everything I could and I got nothing." Watching K reminded me -- God's there with what we need. He wants to feed me, but I'm not willing to latch. I just have to sit in his arms and be still, he'll help me find what I need, and he'll help me "latch on." Trying to get it myself just doesn't work. Thankfully, K is learning that lesson quickly when it comes to her food. I learn a little slower.
Despite the new outlook, I'm still sad. I think I'd have out-right post partum depression if my mom were not here to help out, cheer me on, and celebrate K (and E)'s little moments with me, reminding me of the precious now. K is sleeping remarkably well for a 9-day-old, which is also helping, I think.
That's the raw me. I do cherish my little ones. The next posts will be about them. I just needed to be "real" for a second.
The delivery didn't go like I'd expected, and every day I'm reminded of what I COULD be doing if it had been natural, but can't do because of the surgery. What kills most is not being able to pick up my toddler when she falls down.
Not many people know me here, most that do didn't know me before, so there's very little celebration or "OOOH, can I see?!?" This may seem like a small thing, but for some reason at 4 am when I'm trying to fall asleep, it draws tears.
My devos yesterday helped me to see some good in the alone-ness, the helplessness. I was reminded that these times can cause me to cling to God, as there's little other support for me. So I did that, for the first time in a long time, and it was SOOOO good. Being spiritually fed for me usually resembles my infant when she tries to nurse. I root around frantically, and then after 10 seconds of frantic searching, give up as "I've done everything I could and I got nothing." Watching K reminded me -- God's there with what we need. He wants to feed me, but I'm not willing to latch. I just have to sit in his arms and be still, he'll help me find what I need, and he'll help me "latch on." Trying to get it myself just doesn't work. Thankfully, K is learning that lesson quickly when it comes to her food. I learn a little slower.
Despite the new outlook, I'm still sad. I think I'd have out-right post partum depression if my mom were not here to help out, cheer me on, and celebrate K (and E)'s little moments with me, reminding me of the precious now. K is sleeping remarkably well for a 9-day-old, which is also helping, I think.
That's the raw me. I do cherish my little ones. The next posts will be about them. I just needed to be "real" for a second.
Comments:
Thanks for being real. It's tough, and it's tough knowing that it will get better but still feeling so blue. I will continue to pray for you! Sending you a Durham (or Stillwater...you choose!) hug.
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It is good to hear how you're doing and how I can be praying. I know some of the loneliness of being far from old friends and family with a new baby- so I pray for you, and I don't know the pain of what you've gone through, so I pray for you. I'm so glad your mom is with you, and K looks really healthy in the pictures you posted - so cute! I also really appreciate your analogy to nursing - i find that helpful. thanks. love, joie
I went through all this exactly 9 months ago - with a c-section too. I also probably cried every day for the first week or maybe longer. But, I can tell you that you will get over this and recover well and look back wondering why you were so sad. You can still hold E when you're sitting down and believe me, I broke the weight restriction WITHOUT a toddler around! Not that I'm saying you should of course! When I got sad I always called a friend or mine during this period to cheer me up....so call a bunch of your good friends and ask them if you can call them during this time, ok?!
I'll be praying for you! :-)
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I'll be praying for you! :-)
# posted by 
: 9/30/2008 11:27 AM
: 9/30/2008 11:27 AM