Saturday, September 06, 2008
Emerged -- & a bit culture shocked.
This summer my old sunday school had a series on emerging adulthood -- that optional period when a person is in college -- an adult, and yet not an adult in many ways.
A week or so ago, my "one friend" in town posted about how she felt that, after a prolonged period of "emerging adulthood," she'd finally become an adult. Her family (like ours) now has stable income, is no longer tied to grad school life, and (unlike our family) even owns a house.
Yesterday it hit that, I too, have emerged. The culture around me is different, and it's not just the Northern air. I'm now recognized as being in a different subgroup of society. Quite frankly, I'm going through a little bit of culture-shock.
This is the first time that I've been introduced to large groups of people and find my primary title to be "mom." This is not helped by the fact that I am 8 months pregnant. Even without E around, I'm given this title. Last time we moved, I fit very comfortably into the grad school community, even though I wasn't in grad school. I made friends with a bunch of people that were single (or newly married) 20 or 30 somethings. We drank coffee together, found artsy sorts of activities around town to do together, and discussed an eclectic range of things (but usually not kids).
I've met a lot of people in my new sub-group over the last few weeks. And I've discovered that for moms, one doesn't chit-chat about the weather as an ice breaker, one chit-chats about one's kids. This makes sense. It's just... culture shock.
Maybe I'm being a little harsh on my next assesment, but it also seems that one makes friends with other women in the area because one has kids. Or that (at the least) women at this age bond over kids. I'm not sure how I feel about this. E has always been a shining light in my life, but not the center of my universe. She enriches my world, but I'd like to avoid having her direct it. I don't really want to be friends with people just to talk about and compare our kids. I'd like to be friends with people to enrich my life by hearing about who they are (and maybe to get a few good recipes). I'm hoping that, just as talking about the weather fades from the focus of conversation once you get to know someone, so too will talk about children fade and other topics emerge as I get to know new friends here.
I've found having guys around helps. I don't know why, but if S is in the conversation (usually with other men as well), then conversation sways to more interesting topics. I find out things like that this woman was an archeological scuba diver before she became a midwestern stay-at-home mom. Or we'll discuss important topics like politics and the quality of various pizza joints in the area. I acknowledge that at least part of this deeper conversation comes because, in these situations, I'm not the sole care taker in charge of E. S is also keeping an eye on her.
I'm struggling a bit as I emerge into full-time mommyhood. I know I love to bake and knit and I love my daughter (and bragging about her) so I should fit into this subcategory easily, but I'm not finding it easy to define myself as a soccer-mom type. I want a wide variety of friends -- single, married, students, career-adults, retirees, artsy, sporty, nerdy, eclectic, etc. It is then, it seems, that my life is most enriched by the lives of my friends. Oh, that I still had more of my friends who knew me before my "mom" days!
I am sure I will adjust. These things just take time. Until then, I am thankful for the friends that are emerging, even if conversation is centered around kids for the first few meetings.
Next Friday I engage in my first "play date" with a mom down the street. She's a friend of a college friend, and only lives five (or so) doors away. A chance to meet another adult while having our kids entertain each other! We'll see how it goes. ... "Play date." What a new term.
A week or so ago, my "one friend" in town posted about how she felt that, after a prolonged period of "emerging adulthood," she'd finally become an adult. Her family (like ours) now has stable income, is no longer tied to grad school life, and (unlike our family) even owns a house.
Yesterday it hit that, I too, have emerged. The culture around me is different, and it's not just the Northern air. I'm now recognized as being in a different subgroup of society. Quite frankly, I'm going through a little bit of culture-shock.
This is the first time that I've been introduced to large groups of people and find my primary title to be "mom." This is not helped by the fact that I am 8 months pregnant. Even without E around, I'm given this title. Last time we moved, I fit very comfortably into the grad school community, even though I wasn't in grad school. I made friends with a bunch of people that were single (or newly married) 20 or 30 somethings. We drank coffee together, found artsy sorts of activities around town to do together, and discussed an eclectic range of things (but usually not kids).
I've met a lot of people in my new sub-group over the last few weeks. And I've discovered that for moms, one doesn't chit-chat about the weather as an ice breaker, one chit-chats about one's kids. This makes sense. It's just... culture shock.
Maybe I'm being a little harsh on my next assesment, but it also seems that one makes friends with other women in the area because one has kids. Or that (at the least) women at this age bond over kids. I'm not sure how I feel about this. E has always been a shining light in my life, but not the center of my universe. She enriches my world, but I'd like to avoid having her direct it. I don't really want to be friends with people just to talk about and compare our kids. I'd like to be friends with people to enrich my life by hearing about who they are (and maybe to get a few good recipes). I'm hoping that, just as talking about the weather fades from the focus of conversation once you get to know someone, so too will talk about children fade and other topics emerge as I get to know new friends here.
I've found having guys around helps. I don't know why, but if S is in the conversation (usually with other men as well), then conversation sways to more interesting topics. I find out things like that this woman was an archeological scuba diver before she became a midwestern stay-at-home mom. Or we'll discuss important topics like politics and the quality of various pizza joints in the area. I acknowledge that at least part of this deeper conversation comes because, in these situations, I'm not the sole care taker in charge of E. S is also keeping an eye on her.
I'm struggling a bit as I emerge into full-time mommyhood. I know I love to bake and knit and I love my daughter (and bragging about her) so I should fit into this subcategory easily, but I'm not finding it easy to define myself as a soccer-mom type. I want a wide variety of friends -- single, married, students, career-adults, retirees, artsy, sporty, nerdy, eclectic, etc. It is then, it seems, that my life is most enriched by the lives of my friends. Oh, that I still had more of my friends who knew me before my "mom" days!
I am sure I will adjust. These things just take time. Until then, I am thankful for the friends that are emerging, even if conversation is centered around kids for the first few meetings.
Next Friday I engage in my first "play date" with a mom down the street. She's a friend of a college friend, and only lives five (or so) doors away. A chance to meet another adult while having our kids entertain each other! We'll see how it goes. ... "Play date." What a new term.
Comments:
Hey, I wanted to write to let you know that I really enjoy checking your blog. I love the pictures, love the thoughts and stories. I miss you - sorry we couldn't meet this summer. Anyway, when I read this post, I was compelled to write some of my own thoughts on being a mom because it helps me to write sometimes. If you're interested, I've posted it on my blog. I miss you. If I were hanging out with you, we'd probably talk about our kids, though! :) Love you!! Hope the pregnancy finishes up well. Can't wait to hear news of your new arrival.
Laura,
Great post, and so true. I've found that we moms do use our kids as ice breakers because its the one thing we know we have in common. If a mom and I have nothing else in common to talk about, we can always talk about the trials and joys of raising children. We can talk about potty training, picky eaters, and preschools. Where to shop for cheap durable clothing, which playground is the nicest, and things to do when it rains. And so on.
And then, if we're lucky, we'll discover we have similar child-raising beliefs, which may lead to discovering we have other non-child beliefs in common. And maybe after a while, we'll even be friends outside of playdates.
Welcome to our culture. I hope you enjoy your stay. :)
Christine
Great post, and so true. I've found that we moms do use our kids as ice breakers because its the one thing we know we have in common. If a mom and I have nothing else in common to talk about, we can always talk about the trials and joys of raising children. We can talk about potty training, picky eaters, and preschools. Where to shop for cheap durable clothing, which playground is the nicest, and things to do when it rains. And so on.
And then, if we're lucky, we'll discover we have similar child-raising beliefs, which may lead to discovering we have other non-child beliefs in common. And maybe after a while, we'll even be friends outside of playdates.
Welcome to our culture. I hope you enjoy your stay. :)
Christine
# posted by 
: 9/07/2008 11:12 AM
: 9/07/2008 11:12 AM
I have to say I am totally excluded from all my stepchildrens parents except one, so this article just gives me hope that not everybody is obsessed with their kids and will not ignore those that haven't actually 'had' them...
Laura, this post made me miss you! (I mean, I do anyway, but especially.) I'm confident that you will move into this next phase with grace, even if it takes a while to get used to it.
On another note, if you're interested I could introduce you to my feminist activist social worker cousin (now working at Calvin) and her "flaming liberal" husband...they'd mix it up for you with anti-war protests and whatnot. (My Oma goes too--it's a trip!)
On another note, if you're interested I could introduce you to my feminist activist social worker cousin (now working at Calvin) and her "flaming liberal" husband...they'd mix it up for you with anti-war protests and whatnot. (My Oma goes too--it's a trip!)
I've had that culture shock many times when I realize the younger grad students at church do not look at me as their peer. I am that woman in the next stage of life.
I've found Giff's propensity to befriend single guys a great help. Chad is always good for a night of non-childrearing conversation. It's good if they like kids and help with them, though. In fact, tell Steve y'all need a friend like Chad! He even helps with the dishes and corralling kids for bedtime.
And playdates are a good excuse for you to meet new moms, find ones you have things in common with outside of mothering, and go for a mom's night out dessert somewhere.
I promise, you may find yourself talking about your kids more and more as you enter this mommy phase, but with couple friends and female friendships that move beyond playdates, you will find ways to keep stimulating your brain. I just had a fantastic weekend with three women who provide that outlet for me, all of us moms.
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I've found Giff's propensity to befriend single guys a great help. Chad is always good for a night of non-childrearing conversation. It's good if they like kids and help with them, though. In fact, tell Steve y'all need a friend like Chad! He even helps with the dishes and corralling kids for bedtime.
And playdates are a good excuse for you to meet new moms, find ones you have things in common with outside of mothering, and go for a mom's night out dessert somewhere.
I promise, you may find yourself talking about your kids more and more as you enter this mommy phase, but with couple friends and female friendships that move beyond playdates, you will find ways to keep stimulating your brain. I just had a fantastic weekend with three women who provide that outlet for me, all of us moms.
