StevenLaura

Over the holidays I met up with a well-respected elderly woman from our past. We excitedly introduced her to our newest addition, then S got caught up in another conversation. The woman asked me, "Well, looks like you're keeping busy with these two! I suppose you're staying at home now?"
"Well, yes, I am, but I start a new job on January 5th."
"Oh... (she looked taken aback) But, how much?" she asked. I could only assume by that that she meant "full time or part time" and was not actually asking about my salary.
"Forty hours a week, full time." I responded.
"Oh..." she said, looking even more awkward, and the conversation ended. The silence spoke volumes.

She didn't ask why, she didn't ask if I'd struggled with the decision or wished it was only part time. I'll answer a little here, as best as I can. I do wish it were part-time, it would blend the best of both worlds. I did struggle over the decision to accept this job, I prayed over it more than almost any major decision in the past few years. The answer to "why" is a bit more complex. Perhaps because it fit my resume well and I knew I'd like the job, perhaps because we needed the money, definitely because of the location of the job... The timing wasn't exactly right, I would have liked to be at home a bit longer, several more years even. The hours aren't right, I'd like more time with my girls. But the job seems like precisely the one I'd like to have for years to come. It is both low stress enough and engaging enough to leave me energy and time for my family in the evenings yet intellectually engaged in the academic world my husband lives in.

Her silence struck a chord. I've spent the last two months mulling over this decision, asking for advice from everyone I think might have good thoughts on this. I was surprised that basically all sought-out advice resulted in a "yes," even from those I was sure would say "no." I pray I've made the right decision, I take comfort in that I can always pull out, and I believe that overall this is the right thing for my family. I have, since the beginning, had the support of my husband. Had I not, I would not have considered this as an option. That said, I still mourn a little, especially as I think of her silent words. They cause some doubt. Am I selfish? Am I wrong? Is the old-fashion way the best way? The last six months have been some of the most isolating and lonely times for me. Perhaps I'm just trying to run away from that. Do I not love my children enough? But my family is my world! It is for love of family, in large part, that I am excited about this position. [S wonders (tongue-in-cheek) why our friend didn't ask about HIS decision to accept full-time employment.]

Well, I'm diving in. It's been fun being a stay at home mom. Wish me luck!