StevenLaura

I want to be an observer. I am a pathetic observer.

I want to be a listener. My own thoughts get in the way.

I've been reminded again and again over this weekend of the value of allowing GOD to move and create; of providing space for the creator to work and me to observe in wonder; of being still and knowing, trusting, beyond myself; of introspection. These are things I don't do well. I am engrossed in vain-glory, entrapped.

Several years ago I saw my father-in-law head out to work. Brief case in hand, dressed in suit and tie, he started down the sidewalk. He didn't get more than ten paces when he stopped, stooped, and stared. No, stared is not quite it. "Observed." He observed, interested, as if what he was looking at was of more importance than catching his bus, than the work he was to do in the city. A butterfly had perched on a flower. He continued to watch for at least a minute. Do you know how long a minute feels to me in those circumstances? So much of me cries "you will be late for work" or "someone is waiting for you" or, simply, "you're on the move, don't stop now." But stop he did. And looked. And wondered without words.

I want to be still. I want to observe a butterfly with wonder. Furthermore, I want to be known by actions more than words.

I have found art.

I am finding silence.

I hereby commit to studying both over the next few weeks.

Art I will study because it is my stepping stone to observation. I create, I move, I do... and yet, in order TO do ART, I must first be still and observe.

Silence is my (perhaps vain) attempt to rid myself of vainglory. I was challenged this weekend to try a modified vow of silence. (Which I will begin after I finish this post -- and may be after tonight's small group study.) No more talking about myself. No more stories, no narration to justify actions, no explaining myself. No posts on facebook that explain my feelings or discuss what brand of toothpaste I tried this morning. Silence. How will one know me? By actions. Do not justify. Let actions justify. And where actions fall short, rest in an identity that is free from human approval.

With this last goal in mind, this post is peppered with irony.

Gosh, art is a lot easier than silence. I am already anticipating failure within the first hour of trying.